Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

I Can’t Tonight…

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

Yes

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.