Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.