Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

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You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”