Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
The news
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift