Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman