Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.