Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

Something Saturday.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?