Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
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Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.