Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong