Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This kinda thing happens to me often

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.