Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
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Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
good for her
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.