Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

☠️☠️☠️

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.