Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’