Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

🥴😂

Finally!

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.