Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat