Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

My what?

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts