Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
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I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
This checks out
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
i would wish you the best but i am the best
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
HR said no more nunchucks.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.