Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.