Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.