Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Does it…does it take 3 days
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.