me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse