me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
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Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Voting is the worst group project
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
A drum solo but on your face.
absolute chaos
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?