Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we there yet?…

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.