Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
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I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
*cough*
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
looks legit
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
The Punning Dead.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats