Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

If you’re testing me, we failed.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken