Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
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Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.