ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
About to form my very first opinion
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.