@dafloydsta

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

You Might Also Like

@meganamram

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

@HansGrubertron

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

@Jake_the_God

My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.

@samir

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

@SkippyMcGizzard

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

@werehedgehog

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

@unravelingfire

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

@meganamram

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets