I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets