ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works