Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day