Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring