Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
pep talk
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Nothing.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
