me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition