me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Too easy.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Has there ever been a more American story?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
getting groceries
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I have never related to a cat more
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.