Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
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Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
this article brought to you by lions
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”