Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

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Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.


When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station


Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family


[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]

“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”


“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”


Blows you, kisses

See proper punctuation is important


As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.


I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?


Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.


I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.