@LeBearGirdle

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

You Might Also Like

@omgthatspunny

Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

@MavenofHonor

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

@theshamingofjay

[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]

“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”

Yes.

“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”

@1MeLrO

Blows you, kisses

See proper punctuation is important

@broodingYAhero

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

@TheBoydP

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

@DopeyTweeter

Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

@Donna_McCoy

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.