Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

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My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.


I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.


Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.


Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again


*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?


maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration


While you were reading this Michael Bay just made five more “Transformer” movies.


My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.