@LeBearGirdle

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

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@blade_funner

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

@TheCiscoKidder

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

@Jenny4ashley

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

@Asher_Wolf

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

@ImSoFrancis

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

@Mom_Overboard

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

@delusions_of

While you were reading this Michael Bay just made five more “Transformer” movies.

@GrowlyGrego

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.