me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
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You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.