me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
You Might Also Like
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”