me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
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It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years