Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
bought wrong eggs
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me sliding into hell like
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–