Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

In Canada they just call them geese

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.