Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

“you changed” bro i was 15

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

I don’t believe him.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]