Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
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Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
This took me a second..
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
My boss called in sick of me