Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.