Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

My age is news to me every single time I remember

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

Today’s tshirt

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband: