me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
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My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.