me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow