Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.