Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
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My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn