Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.