Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
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Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
A completely valid reaction tbh
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
pictures of spider-man
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again