Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
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AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
When you’re here for the treats.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.