Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

grotesque if literal: baby food

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

all that yoga finally paid off

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh