Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?