Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
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Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
For real 🤣
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
the dark web is just a goth google.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.