Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

same bro

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.