Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon