ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Split the bill
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.