Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Coffee for people with no kids

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks