Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
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“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.