Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him