Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

Raisins are grape jerky.

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.