Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister