Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
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I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it