Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.