Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

🐦

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

honey, bring out the fine china.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*