me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.