Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
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*struts into the new year
~ trips
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.