Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
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“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
never deleting this app.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*