ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
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I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Watson was Holmes schooled
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.