Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.