Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

he looks great for his age

I have no passwords left in me

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.