Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
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People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.