Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.