Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

No regrets in 2018

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

😅😅😅

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck